“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, …” 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NASB)
Monty and I began our marriage in a difficult place. Eleven months before we walked down the aisle, I was the victim of a horrific crime. This experience damaged me deeply. Few knew the fear and despair that had made their home in my heart.
Intimacy was hard. It brought back too many terrible memories. I tried to be a “good” wife and make my husband happy. But I just couldn’t.
Yet, I needed Monty. Fear consumed me. He was my only safe place. Being home alone terrified me. So when he left to play basketball or go to dinner with friends, I pouted, cried, and complained that he wasn’t putting me first.
This caused a huge rift in our marriage. Days were hard and nights were long. Soon I began to imagine Monty looking elsewhere for the companionship he lacked with me. Jealousy grew within me and I demanded to know when and where he was at all times. When I couldn’t get a hold of him, I panicked. My mind went places and imagined things it shouldn’t.
Jealousy infiltrated my heart.
I knew these feelings were wrong. Even destructive. But I didn’t know how to overcome them. As jealous thoughts took root, they became a mental obsession that fed me lies.
My marriage and my husband were slipping away. Completely at a loss for what to do, I dropped to my knees and begged God to help me.
Thankfully, God made a way to release jealousy’s grip on me—and it was through loving Him. As I came to know God more intimately, the jealousy began to subside.
God opened my eyes to see Christ in a new way … as my Savior and my “first love.” Until that time, love and security were found in Monty. My need for him was so desperate that I expected him to be my savior, defender, and protector from the evil in the world. I needed my husband more than anything else and felt safe only by his side.
This created a very unhealthy relationship. We should never “need” our husbands, our children, or anyone more than Christ. Ironically, I was so afraid of losing Monty that I treated him in a way that could potentially have driven him away. No one on this earth can ever be our savior. We have only one Savior, and His name is Jesus.
Healing came as I grew to know my “First Love” as my defender, refuge, and strong tower. This understanding put my marriage in perspective. As God took His rightful place on the throne of my heart, Monty took his rightful place too. Our marriage changed dramatically.
Of course, I never want to lose Monty, but I have come to know that I could and would be able to live without him because God now sits in His rightful place on the throne of my heart. He is my first love. My husband and children are precious gifts that He has generously given me.
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your great love and faithfulness. Open my eyes to see anything or anyone besides You who holds first place in my heart. Help me through the power of Your Holy Spirit to replace it with You and You alone. I ask this in the Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.